Here is what you should do:
1. print a copy of this wordy email
2. read it
3. go back and begin crossing out all of the unnecessary words and eliminate the BIZ-SPEAK
4. when you are done, go back and cross out a few MORE words – then cross out a few MORE
5. rewrite the email so it is clean, fast, and says exactly what it needs to say. (Of course, there is no correct response and answers will vary.) If you have to add a word here or there or move something around a bit for clarity, please do so.
6. save your new, improved email/homework as a word (doc) file or pdf file and submit your rewritten email by clicking above
Let’s see how many words you can eliminate!
Want a hint??? OK. I crossed out SIX words in the GREETING! I crossed out 10 words in the first line and 12 more in the second line!!!
YOU SHOULD FIND AT LEAST 50 WORDS TO ELIMINATE – EASILY! This should indicate to you how many EXTRA words there are in this email.
do on your ownon time
Cross out the extra words, eliminate the BIZ-SPEAK, and fix this email!
You might have to do a little rewriting so this makes sense. Have fun.
To My Dear MAXX Sports Employees and Management Staff Members,
I am ready to take our business to the next level. As you already know, I very recently
asked all the managers at all of my MAXX Sports stores to come up with and create a
new variety of new ways to get lots of people into our stores. Very recently, we have
seen a steady decrease in customers in all of our stores and there is a good chance our
business is in serious jeopardy. Collectively, we have to find, discover and come up with
a variety of different ideas to increase the number of customers who want to shop in our
stores.
I have received many, many ideas from the store managers. Here are just a few of the
obvious ideas that most struggling stores use in their attempt to drag customers back
into their place of business: coupons, clearance sales and racks, rewards program,
sidewalk sales, customer surveys, and changing the appearance of the stores. These
are old, tired ideas that do not go above and beyond.
Although these ideas have proven to be successful for some other businesses in the
recent past, these ideas just do not appeal to me. They are not original, fresh, or
exciting. Our business, MAXX Sports, needs a fresh approach to finding a brand new
stream of customers. In my opinion, the ideas submitted to me by the managers of the
stores, were lacking the passion MAXX Sports is known for having.
As a result of the unoriginal ideas, here is what I am going to do in regards to this very
important situation: I am going to ask all MAXX SPORTS employees and workers to
submit ideas that they think might work and help us get more customers in our stores.
The reason why I am emailing everyone is because of this reason. I want ideas from all
levels of our company – from the warehouse workers to the board members. I need for
everyone to get on board with my plan and help get the customers into the stores once
again like they use to do.
Please send your ideas, plans, and suggestions to me through email. Or, you may
come by my office and we can discuss your ideas, you and I.
Thank you all very much,
Maxine Profit, Owner MAXX SPORTS
Hereare words and phrases to AVOID when writing:
– I think – I know you “think” this because you are writing about it
– I believe – if you don’t believe it – don’t write it
– I feel – in writing, this phrase means “I think” or “I believe” and we know better, right?
– It has come to my attention, – a wordy phrase writers use when they have difficulty starting a
paper
– As you already know, – if the reader already KNOWS what you are about to write – why
would he waste his time reading your memo, letter, etc.?
– In my opinion, – your name is on the paper – so obviously, the ideas are your opinion- right?
-Last but not least, = wordy/ a phrase used to increase word count!
– First and foremost, = wordy/ a phrase used by people who also use “Last but not least”
– Being that = confusing/wordy = use “because”
– Reason why = redundant – The reason why – use “the reason” OR use “why” NOT both
– that – I want you to know that I hate wordiness. - I want you to know I hate wordiness. -I
hate wordiness!
– Got = vague/slang – got sick, got good grades, got in trouble, got in the car, got down, got
milk? America’s Got Talent! What does GOT mean? Use specific words instead.
– honestly – are you planning on lying?
– absolutely – wordy
– very – It was very, very, very, very hot. - It was a blistering 112 degrees yesterday. Which is
better?
– really – do not use this to mean “very” = use it to mean the opposite of fake or false – Class is
canceled on Monday. Really? No, not really.
– amazing – vague – is this word positive? or negative? Amazing has lost its meaning and impact
– Amazing, huh?
– always – nothing can always happen
– never – never say never – ugh
– literally – wordy and often misused because people have forgotten what literal means
– just – wordy
– maybe – say yes or no – maybe? Or may be? Know the difference.
– stuff – the ultimate VAGUE word – there is lots of stuff on this page
-things – not much better than stuff!
– have to – wordy – use must (my own issue!)
– Take it to the next level – so we are moving to the third floor? huh? Wordy cliché
– Go above and beyond – so before you were below and behind??? – wordy cliché
What other words/phrases can we add to this list?
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