EDUC251- Final Paper Outline
*personal statement
*theme: feeling silenced and on a journey to express my voice
Identities and Stories:
· Introduction:
· Mom talking over me (story) (retelling a story to family friends)→ raised in an environment where I feel silenced, unopinionated, and neutral
· Gender (systematically targetted)
· First experience with gender boxes→Liam (younger brother) and I in shopping carts when we were 5 and 3 years old, a shopper passing by commented to my mom that she had such cte daughters because Liam and I both wore our hair in pigtails, this encounter confused me because I was sure my brother was a boy and didn’t understand why that woman would mix him up (story)
· Specific caretaking role/nurturing (story)
· Studying psych and early childhood, wanting to be a therapist to help others (how much of this is my passion versus a role I feel that I am supposed to play as a woman in society??)
· Sexual Identity (systematically dominant)
· “He likes her”/ “she likes him” on the elementary school playground
· Julia coming out to me → spiraling into my own reflection on my sexual identity (story)
· Race + Ethnicity (systematically dominant)
· Water metaphor story for how I think about race (story) → (see below)
· First day of school at white hill middle school- shocked at the lack of diversity in my classes especially compared to the experience I had growing up in San Francisco public schools
(story)
· Marin schools= predominantly white, rich and well-off families, many of my peers had very similar (and very privileged) experiences and upbringings
First day of school in Marin after moving from SF
· Conclusion: overarching discussion on justice in relation to …
References:
· Class
1.
Brown (2013)
2.
Finch (2015)
3.
Tatum (2015)
4.
Lerum (2015)
5.
Beck (2013)
6. Crenshaw (2016)
7. McIntosh (1989)
8. Yamato (2014)
9.
10.
· Outside Resources
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
ROUGH, ROUGH, ROUGH draft- collection of drafted stories to be included in final paper:
INTRO:
My mom has always talked over me. From meeting my teacher on the first day of third grade to sitting around a table storytelling with a group of family friends last summer, my mom tends to cut in and explain my stories to others. She never intends to cut me off; she just can’t help it. She likes to talk.
This summer, when I was recounting a story to our family friends about our mother-daughter trip to Mykonos, my mom disagreed with how I was telling the story and interjected with parts I had excluded that she deemed more important. As she inserted her perspective of the same experience, she got caught up. She continued the story, forgetting that I was the one who had started it. I tried to speak up and bring the story back to my perspective, but my mom dismissed me, and I gave up trying.
I’ve learned to stay silent when my mom has something to say. She’s stubborn and opinionated and she storytells well. I’ve ingrained in me the idea that my mom will always tell the story better than I can, so I sit back, stay silent, and listen. As I become more aware of my silence around my mom, I can better articulate how her talking over me has influenced my ability to be vulnerable and open up to others. As Brown (2013) discussed in her embracing vulnerability talk, we often think about vulnerability with a negative connotation. If I am vulnerable in front of my mom, I am opening myself up only to feel unseen and unacknowledged. Because of this dynamic with my mom, I associate vulnerability with weakness. I’m scared to be vulnerable in front of my friends because I fear that I’ll feel the same lack of acknowledgment I do with my mom. I’ve adopted the tendency to drift off when I open up to my friends or finish my stories by stating, “it would make more sense if you were there in person.”
My lack of confidence in my ability to story tell has turned into silence over the years. I feel that I’ve never really had the chance to discover my own voice. I’m smart in regards to my common sense, my ability to present myself, and my success in school. Still, I hold insecurity about how much this intelligence is worth. I feel like I’ve always learned for grades. I can memorize facts about the psychological disorders for my Psychology 101 class or explain what genre is in the context of my English Composition class, but outside of these facts and definitions, I don’t have my own opinions about these topics. I’m inclined to accept information as it is instead of questioning or arguing it because I’ve grown up accepting what my mom says as certainty. Because I’m less inclined to form my own opinions, I don’t feel knowledgeable about anything at all. When Finch (2015) recounted that it was assumed that he would be high-achieving and successful because of his background, I recognized a mirror for myself. I’ve always felt that others perceive me a certain way because I perform so well in school. I feel that my peers and teachers expect me to do well time and time again because I’ve always done well and come from a place of security and privilege. In reality, I face an internal struggle when I’m asked to present my own opinions and ideas. I know that I’m on a journey to discover my voice, and being in college without my mom has been the perfect time to do so. At a distance, I’ve had the chance to reflect on how her talking has affected me and understand when she has helped me and when I feel limited by her.
GENDER:
· How I identify with my identity
· First experience with gender boxes
· caretaking/nurturing role with family and friends
· Inspired to be a child psychologist (how much of this is my passion versus a role I feel that I am supposed to play as a woman in society??)
SEXUAL IDENTITY:
In elementary school, hearing “he likes her” and “she likes him” on the playground cultivated the idea to me that boys like girls and girls like boys. I accepted society’s polarized thinking about sexual identity from a very young age. Being born a girl came with the assumption that I would be attracted to boys (Tatum, 2015). As I grew up, the crushes I developed on boys continuously reinforced the idea that because I was a girl, I only liked boys. In middle school, my friends and I teased each other about the crushes we had on boys, and in high school, I got excited when I started “talking” to a boy for the first time. When I began dating my boyfriend of a year, I felt that I had confirmed my sexual identity. It wasn’t until 17 years of my life and nine months into a relationship that I ever thought to question my identity.
One night about eight months ago, I was driving my friend back from a party at the college she would attend the following fall. It was late at night, and stars were out over the San Francisco Bay. The early summer air was warm, and my car windows were down as we blasted music, and I drove fast. In the middle of the song “Don’t Be So Hard on Yourself” by Jess Glyne, my friend leaned over to me and shouted, “I’m Bi!”. Before I could thank her for sharing such an important part of her identity with me, she leaned closer and asked, “Are you?”. I was met with immediate shock and hesitation.
As Lerum (2015) recounts, her height and physique always proceeded the way others saw her identity. The feminine clothes I wear and how I express myself have preceded me all my life. I’d never been asked a question about my identity so bluntly, and it sent me into a spiral. I wondered what it was about me and how I expressed myself that made my friend wonder if I was also bisexual. Was it simply curiosity? Was it because most of my other friends had come out as bisexual? Was it because of how I acted around boys or girls? Or was I bisexual and just hadn’t realized it myself yet?
I looked at my friend and quietly responded with, “No, I’m not.” Still, my thoughts continued to spiral, and I’ve spent the past eight months curious about my identity. I’ve questioned if I’ve always conformed to what I thought society’s expectation of me was, or if I’m just a “late-bloomer” and still on a path to discovering my identity.
Contrary to how Beck (2013) felt about living the majority of her life with an unread identity, I felt that others had misread my identity. A few weeks after the moment in the car, I learned that girls at school had labeled me as bisexual without ever asking me how I identified. These girls made assumptions about my sexual identity before I discovered it myself. My friend in the car was the first to blatantly ask me about my identity instead of just assuming who I was. I was grateful for her genuine interest and honesty with me. At first, I found it odd that my friends assumed I was bisexual while in such a healthy relationship with my boyfriend. From our EDUC 251 discussions this past week, I’ve realized the privilege I’ve had. I appreciate the time I live in and the friends I’ve made who are so deeply interested in discovering their own identities and making space for others to feel comfortable expressing their identities. I’ve realized that my sexual identity isn’t my choice; it’s who I am. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my sexual identity, and at this point in my life, I feel that I am heterosexual.
RACE + ETHNICITY:
My little brother didn’t learn to swim until he was ten years old. When he was seven, we were at a family pool party with our cousins and extended family. My cousin Lexi and I were taking turns jumping off of the diving board while my brother and a few of our other cousins were floating around on rafts in the shallow end of the pool. When I was taking my turn on the diving board, Lexi swam over to the shallow end of the pool with everyone else. They were laughing and playing around when I jumped off the board, but when I surfaced, I heard my brother shrieking, “No! No! Lexi, please stop”. Fear rose in me when I realized that Lexi was taunting my brother, threatening to flip his raft over. I trod water in the deep end of the pool, but the rest of my body was frozen. I didn’t know what to do, and I couldn’t move. I wanted to swim and save my brother, but I didn’t know how to best help. Lexi was too far in, and nothing I did or said from across the pool would help. When she flipped my brother’s raft over, and he fell in, I was incapable of jumping in to save him. My body was still shocked by Lexi’s ability to do what she did even though she was aware that my brother was scared and couldn’t swim. If we weren’t at a pool party, the situation would have been a lot more extreme.
I find myself treading water in the deep end when I think about race. I often feel like a bystander, wanting to help but not knowing how to. In high school, when my friends would engage in conversations about current events, often political and sensitive topics, I shied away and listened instead of engaging. I was impressed by how informed my friends were and how well they could connect current events to what we’d learned in our classes. I learned a lot from listening to them, but felt too unprepared to jump into the conversation myself. In talking about subjects that can be more sensitive, like race and ethnicity, I feel most comfortable when I am an expert on the topic because I don’t want to unintentionally disrespect or offend someone else because of my lack of knowledge.
When Crenshaw (2016) read off the list of names of black men and women killed by the police over the past two and a half years, I could only accurately list the stories of the first three names. A few of the names on the remaining list sounded familiar; I recognized them from listening to high school friends or overhearing their stories in the news. As the list kept going, I felt ashamed that I didn’t know the stories of the majority of names. Although I make efforts to read and educate myself through my research, I realize that, as a white person, I still carry the invisible knapsack of white privilege (McIntosh 1989). Because of the color of my skin, I’ve experienced life at an ease that not everyone can relate to. The white privilege that accompanies my skin color has made me comfortable and unaware despite efforts to acknowledge my advantage.
I no longer want to be the person that is frozen in shock and watches as her cousin tips her brother off of his life raft. I want to be prepared to jump in and save my brother, and I want to be confident enough to speak up to my cousin. Regarding race, I want to be able to engage in conversations no matter how sensitive they are. I want to learn from the experiences of others and debate in conversation. I learned from Yamato (2014) that racism must be tackled on the personal, societal, emotional, and institutional levels for change to become effective. In my steps to becoming the person who jumps in and stands up for my brother, I am on a mission to educate myself, think, and learn for my own sake and interest in becoming a more informed individual and contributor in every conversation.
· First day of school at white hill middle school- shocked at the lack of diversity in my classes especially compared to the experience I had growing up in San Francisco public schools
· Marin schools= predominantly white, rich and well-off families, many of my peers had very similar (and very privileged) experiences and upbringings
CONCLUSION:
Week 09b Peer Review Feedback
This assignment is a peer review to give thoughtful, constructive feedback to your partner. Please read and follow the specific instructions below:
1) Read through your partner’s entire paper first without making any comments
2) At the top of your partners paper provide a paragraph or two that addresses the following questions:
· What did you learn that you didn’t know before? What windows and mirrors did you find in your partner’s paper?
· Does each topic have a balance of shelves (academic/in-class resources) and selves (personal stories and experiences)? Where can your partner add/improve?
· What topics do you think your partner should prioritize? Where can they expand and what can be cut?
· Any big picture comments, reflections, final thoughts?
3) Make any detailed comments (specific parts that are confusing, places to add stories, citation issues etc) on the paper itself using the comment and reviewing tools. (If it is useful use the rubric from Week 08
(Links to an external site.)
to score their paper for them.)
In addition to giving this feedback to your partner, you have one of four options for turning in your feedback.
a) If you commented on a Google doc, submit the link to the paper where we can see your comments back (please make sure that your sharing setting is set to “anyone with this link can view this document” or else we will not be able to open the document and give you credit).
b) Submit a Word doc with the track changes comments so that we can see the feedback that you’re giving back to your partner.
c) Submit your note back to them with the feedback in the text box for this assignment.
d) Submit photos of your handwritten comments back to your partner.