comingoutlesbian
Thompson, C. A. (1992). Lesbian grief and loss issues in the coming out process. Women &
therapy, 12(1-2), 175-185
Chapter 1l
Lesbian Grief and Loss Issues
in the Coming-Out Process
Carol A. Thompson
As a lesbian psychotherapist, specializing in trauma and loss, I
am interested in loss issues and ways to reframe loss as a normal
process. In my work, I often see women in the process of coming
out who are sfuggling with a variety of issues that contain a loss
component. My belief is that lesbians are raised to value a hetero-
sexual lifestyle, and that it is natural to grieve the loss of that value
as part of the coming-out process. Additionally, lesbians lose the
inherent rites and privileges of the majority position such as mar-
riage, divorce, societal acceptance of the relationship, and the
esteem of family and community. Finally, there is a broader loss that
lesbians experience by virnre of often being isolated from the het-
erosexual community. It is these aspects of loss that I will address in
this chapter.
zoss
In our society loss is linked with death or oftentimes divorce and
is often seen as tragic. Society’s response to loss is often to deny or
ignore that the loss has occurred (Rando, l9S4). There are losses
throughout our infancy and childhood, the first being birth when we
lose the warn, comfortable existence of the womb. We lose moth-
er’s breast as we are given solid food. We give up being held in
order to walk. Each time we change or begin something new we
shed some of the old. Loss, therefore, is not something tragic, but
2ll
212 GAYAND LESBAN MENTAL HEALTH
rather a normal part of living. Life is a series of transitions and
giving up the past for the present happens constantly.
Bowlby (1969, 1973, 1980) offers a theory of attachment and loss
suggesting that people establish strong, emotional bonds to otherO
from a need for security and safety, and that there is a strong,
counteremotional reaction when that bond is threatened or broken,
The reaction is one of loss and grief for the lost object or ideal
(Bowlby, 1980; Klass,1987; Weenolsen, l98S). Grieving refers to
the feelings, thoughts, physical symptoms, or behavioril changcl
that may result from loss (Worden, l99l).
Numerous authors have described the mourning process (Lindc.
mann, 1944; Klass,1987; Parkes, 1972; Rando, 1984; Weenolson,
1988; Worden, l99l). Of note is the work of William Worden and
Patricia Weenolsen. Worden (1991), a grief theorist, describes fo$
tasks of mourning: (l) to accept the reality of the loss, (2) to
ence the pain of grief, (3) to adjust to an environment whero
deceased is missing, and (4) to emotionally relocate the
and move on with life. Weenolsen (1988) discusses what she
loss and transcendence in four phases: (l) grieving, (2)
foq the lost object or ideal, (3) replacement, and (4) integration,
will rely upgl a combination of these stage models in desiribin5
clinical model for working with lesbians around issues specifld
the loss of the majority position of heterosexuality during-tho
mg-out process.
COMING OAT
Most of us were raised by heterosexual parents with the valUl
the heterosexual majority, including marriage and children. WO
up knowing that our families had an expectation that wo
marry, and most of us also held that expectation. For many
the dream of marriage, or the reality of it if we were marriod,
into conflict with what we were beginning to learn about
There have been many articles describing the coming-out
(Cass, 1979; Coleman, 1982; Dank, l97l; Hanley-
1989; Hencken and O’Dowd, 1977; Lewis, 1984; Sophic, I
Troiden, 1989). What each of these models has in commOn I
attempt to put into understandable linear form the complicated
Lesbian Gief and Loss Issues in the Coming’Out Process 213
linear process of identiffing as lesbian and acting on that awareness.
Also described in each is the way in which the individual who is
coming out deals with society. Cass (1979), for example, describes a
period of social isolation, whereas the woman compares he_r behav-
ior to society, in general, and finds thdt she is different. Coleman
(1982) places the feeling of difference in the pre-coming-out stage
and self-acceptance in the coming-out stage. In a society where the
majority of the population still defines homosexuality as wrong
lHyde and Rosenburg, 1980), coming out involves dealing with
boih internal and external homophobia, the institutionalized preju-
dices around homosexuality (Forstein, 1988). In addition, lesbians
and gay men make up l0 percent of the population (Reinisch and
Beasley, 1990) and we are, therefore, demographically, a minority.
Somewhere in the coming-out process, lesbians must deal with
the fact that they are identifuing with a segment of society that is
stigmatized (Fein and Nuehring, l98l). By choosing to identiff as
lesbians, we are not entitled to marry lesbian partners, divorce, carry
joint health insurance with our partners, or publish pictures in the
ne*rpaper to signiff intentions to legalize our relationships. Public
displiybf affection brings the risk of public censure and/or possible
losi of job. Finally, coming out to families and friends brings the
risk of being rejected or even disowned. Despite the many losses in
the coming-out process, lesbians have proven to be every bit as
well-adjusted as their heterosexual counterparts (Rothblum, 1988).
Regardless, one of the ways to deal with the loss of the inherent
privileges is to recognize, acknowledge, and grieve that loss.
BetU Berzon (1988) addresses the issue of loss in her book
Permanent Partners:
With the letting go of a perception of self that is clearly hetero-
sexual one can experience a profound feeling of loss. As with
any loss the way to move beyond grief is to acknowledge and
express it. Expressing griefover the loss ofone’s heterosexual
status, and all the fantasies about the future that went with it,
has not been too popular a topic for dialogue in the gay and
lesbian community. But, at this stage of identity development,
grieving the loss of the heterosexual blueprint for life is an
inescapable part of what is going on. The more it is acknowl-
214 GAYAND LESBIAN MENTAL HEALTH
edged and talked about, the sooner it can be worked through
and prevented from becoming a chronic, underlying theme in
the person’s relationships. (pp. 48-49)
In the five-stage model I am proposing, I am suggesting that losr
is an additional aspect of the coming-out process and that the stagot
of loss happen in conjunction with various stages of the coming.outprocess. i
Stage One: To accept the reality of the loss of heterosexual
and its privileges.
Clients coping with stage-one issues experience many con
feelings. Often women are clear at this point that they are
but are sad or angry at the injustices they see inflicted on lesbiana
a heterosexual society. It is important that therapists not rush
through the process of acceptance of the loss of the
identity. Peggy Hanley-Hackenbruck (1989), for example, in
article about coming out, describes grieving as “necessary for
formation of the new ego ideal through the giving up of the
heterosexual ideal” (p. 29). It can be tempting to point out tho
positive aspects of being lesbian; however, it is not useful to
at this juncture to hear these positive aspects from the
Otherwise, the client must then defend her feelings of angof
sadness to the therapist or it is possible she will feel guilry
having negative feelings about being lesbian. Clients need to
through these feelings in their own time.
We can help clients by asking them to describe the dreaml
expectations they had for a heterosexual life or describe for ur
ideals that were handed down to them from their families.
aging detailed descriptions of weddings, wedding showers,
ment photos, and so on, helps clients to recognize the dream!
probably had since childhood.
Rituals, too, are often helpful in the letting-go process.
Whiting (1988) discusses the idea of a ritual for letting go l!
lows:
The symbolic actions described within the letting-go
are commonly, yet not exclusively, utilized in healing and
Lesbian Gief and Loss Issues in the Coming’Out Process 215
tity rituals. The letting-go action facilitates a cleansing and
healing process. Over the years we have asked people to burn,
freeze,bury flush, or send up in balloons a variety of symbolic
items such as photographs, rings, letters, written memories,
psychiatric records, and clothes. Such ritual actions have
issisted people in moving beyond traumatic events and mean-
ings that have interfered with their living in the present. (p. 93)
Letter writing is oftentimes a useful ritual’ The clients write a
good-bye letter to their heterosexual identity. Composing a wedding
invitation for the dreamed-of weddings and then burning or burying
it helps with those dreams which are especially painful to let go of.
Stage Two: Aclcnowledge specifics of the loss and lookfor ways
to ‘fit in.”
Weenolsen (1988) describes a process that she calls searching. In
grieving, searching is an almost unconscious wish for the return of
the lost object or person. When someone dies there is a period of
time during the grief process when the bereaved feel restless and
anxious. They often find themselves wandering from room to room
as if in search of something (Parkes, 1982). I often see this same
searching behavior in lesbians as they are looking for ways to fit
into the lesbian community and are letting go of their heterosexual
identity. This is the point at which women begin to join social
organizations or go to bars. They begin to test out their degree of
comfort in these settings within the gay and lesbian community. At
the same time they often begin to discover some discomfort at
events where they may have been comfortable before, such as oflice
parties or showers. Peggy Hanley-Hackenbruch (1989) describes
the process as practicing or exploring within the new community. It
is often a time mixed with fear and ambivalence for the emerging
lesbian.
Anger at the loss of privileges, such as marriage or divorce, often
surfaces at this point, as well as discomfort about coming out to
people. Recently, a client of mine blurted out in a group that she
hated being a lesbian. She was angry at always having to come out
to people or guarding her conversation if she did not come out. She
resented the fact that people assumed she was heterosexual unless
216 GAYAND LESBUN MENTAL HEALTH
she told them otherwise. It was important for this woman to verbal-
ize her feelings and obtain support for them. Only by resolving her
negative feelings can she find her positive feelings. [t can be helpful
to ask clients to make a list of both positive and negative aspects of
being lesbian. This list can be redone periodically as a check to seg
if the clients’ thoughts and feelings are changing.
Stage Three: To feel the pain of the loss and to grieve.
As stated earlier, our socialized response to loss is often denial,
whereas sadness would be the more natural response (Rando, 1984),
We cannot resolve a loss unless we acknowledge it and grieve. Tho
process of grieving and letting go allows an internalization of thf
lost object or ideal so that the client is not constantly preoccupi€d
with the loss. The therapist can ask clients such questions as: HO$
does it feel to think of giving up this dream? The therapist can holp
the clients access whatever loss, anger, or guilt feelin-gs they mf$
have. In grieving, it is important to experience these feelings ovl
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